"Morning, Roo," said J.B. Stalwart as he walked with a noticable limp down the hallway of his employer.
The man dressed in a scruffy kangaroo costume was too busy trying to retain a stuffed baby kangaroo in his pouch to answer. Every time he hopped, the stuffed toy moved halfway out of the pouch. "Morning, Cobra," said Stalwart. "Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!" answered the man dressed in a costume vaguely resembling a snake, albeit one walking on two legs. "Is everyone here dressed like animals?" whispered Prissy Lipsmacker, top advisor to the president, with her two Secret Service agents following closely behind. "Not here. Wait until we arrive at my office," replied Stalwart. A person walked by Stalwart and Lipsmacker dressed in a head-to-toe Islamic sack with only a slit revealing the eyes, but Stalwart said nothing to the person. They walked down a hallway filled with many doors, each one with a handicapped symbol on it. "Morning, Potter," said Stalwart. "Has anyone seen Hermione? I simply must find her!" emphatically declared the man to no one in particular while dressed as a fraternity house version of Mr. Darcy from Pride & Prejudice. "Morning, Marie Antoinette," said Stalwart. "Off with their heads! Off with their heads!" repeated the bearded man dressed in lingerie topped by a 1960s bouffante wig which had been liberally sprinkled with a white powder. "Wasn't that actually said by the Queen of Hearts in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland?" whispered Lipsmacker. "Later," admonished Stalwart. "Morning, King of Beasts," said Stalwart. "Rrrrroooooaaaaarrrrr!" shouted the man dressed in a mangy and well-worn Halloween costume, but with the addition of an open fireman's flap in the rear. "Morning, Enterprise," said Stalwart. The man he addressed was too busy trying to prevent his faux-flame tail from touching the ground to answer. "Warp drive. Don't ask," implored Stalwart in an aside to Lipsmacker. "Okay, here we are. Please, go inside." They paused in front of a television showing Secretary of Defense Dijon Ragoutart being probed in testimony regarding the loss of a submarine, with the newsreader being INI's Veracious Tidings. INI NEWS VIDEO START SECRETARY DIJON RAGOUTART: Yes, Senator, we lost the USS Longbow slightly west of Guam. There are rumors that China was involved because the sub communicated shortly before its disappearance that a Chinese sub was in the area. I want to state categorically that this was just coincidence. As the leader of the China Lobby, I want to make sure that slanderous rumors are not spread regarding China. As you know, a previous president completely dismantled 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' and ordered that gays be allowed to openly serve on all US Navy ships and subs. All ships and subs were retrofitted to add gay bath houses similar to the ones described in the book 'And the Band Played On,' with holes drilled into the walls, also known as blowholes, into which gay sailors could insert their, um, torpedo, for relief from an anonymous benefactor. From what I understand, this really improved morale among gay sailors and avoided the problem of creating permanent relationships between personnel who worked together on long voyages. And let me be quite clear on this: there is no truth to the vicious innuendo that gay sailors accidentally drilled a hole in the outer hull, causing the sub to take on water and sink. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: That gives hot-bunking an entirely new dimension, not to mention scuttlebutt. Okay, let's go to Doughty Communique with the latest on the oil spill in the Arctic. Hi, Doughty. DOUGHTY COMMUNIQUE: Hi, Vera. As you know, in November the largest drilling platform ever constructed was crushed when a Chinese supertanker collided with it. Actually, collided does not quite do it justice. The supertanker was pushed through the Russian platform, back-and-forth, a few times, by the winds during an Arctic storm after the supertanker's engines failed. Just like in BP's 2010 spill, the shut-off valves did not operate. And since there is virtually no daylight during the winter months in the Arctic, not to mention the brutal weather, there has been no serious effort to stop the spill. At the time, Senator Aqua Buddha made one of his typically bizarre statements. He proposed that the Russians should light the oil on fire to provide enough light for work crews to stop the leak. Now that the weather and daylight have cooperated enough for the work crews to get a handle on the situation, they are reporting that the oil is gushing out at a rate three times the rate of the 2010 BP spill. They estimate that the Arctic is polluted by more oil than all of the world's other spills combined. There are hundreds of square miles of black, oily water, with dead polar bears, sea lions, and countless fish and birds as far as the eye can see. We thought the story could not get any stranger, but it did. Russian president-for-life Polonium Jackov drove across the ice, bare-chested, in a Lada, toward the wreck of the drilling platform, reminiscent of the time he drove a Lada across Siberia in 2010. His Lada got stuck when the ice suddenly shifted. He exited his car to see if he could push the vehicle and free it, and was eaten by possibly the last remaining polar bear in the Arctic. Back to you, Vera. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Thanks, Doughty. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a Russian president? A slightly larger polar bear. Changing the subject, as you know, Treasury Secretary John Galt, assisted by Senator Buddha, started the process to return us to the gold standard during his first week in office. As soon as that became effective, China and Japan demanded to exchange their large holdings of dollars for gold. Today, Fort Knox is expected to be emptied of its entire stock of gold. The line of rented trucks was quite long, as we saw yesterday in our video reports. We asked Secretary Galt for his thoughts on this development. TREASURY SECRETARY JOHN GALT: Well, that's what a gold standard means, that paper money is guaranteed by gold and can be exchanged for it at any time. That's just capitalism. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: On an Internet topic, DroneTube has made it out of venture capital and is now live. The majority of videos on the site were taken from drones hovering just outside the windows of apartments and other residences, usually depicting people in various stages of undress or in the process of having sex. There is an extra-charge category of videos, called Exposed Éclat, with the content often consisting of videos shot above the pools and just outside the vacation houses of celebrities. These premier videos are often shot by paparazzi who have modified their technique. The director of the FBI commented that we are already seeing an explosion of child porn videos on it. And speaking of drones, the Supreme Court announced its decision in the class action lawsuit against BigWoman for its drones which have maimed countless pets and children while delivering packages. The Supreme Court found for BigWoman in a 5-4 decision, with the majority declaring that the benefit to society in terms of capitalism outweighs the injuries to a limited number of people. Staying on the subject of BigWoman, the third death in as many weeks in a BigWoman warehouse was announced today. The latest person died of heat exhaustion, the same way the others died, because BigWoman warehouses are not air conditioned. And in a related note, the head of OSHA, Resolute Probity, resigned today, with the rumor being that he was forced out due to his opposition to the administration's laissez-faire attitude with respect to worker safety. Changing gears, a compromise has finally been worked out on the modifications to the Statue of Liberty. As you remember, LGBTQ groups have been lobbying hard to modify the statue to reflect LGBTQ sensibilities. Originally they wanted an entirely new head, an androgynous one, to be installed, but now all of the parties have agreed to a much simpler modification, adding a beard to the face. Staying on the subject of LGBTQs, you'll remember that feminist lesbians were up in arms about transgenders canceling them if they refused to date a transgender, especially when the transgenders sported a penis, equipment lesbians do not want to handle. But today, the president issued an executive order mandating that it is a federal crime for anyone to refuse a sexual offer from an LGBTQ. And under pressure from NAMBLA and a number of college professors who pushed for the decriminalization of sexual relations with minors, with the latter referring to themselves as 'minor-attracted people,' the president issued another executive order, this time eliminating any penalties for adults having sex with minors. The Hollywood actor, Grabby Rumpranger, was seen shortly thereafter on the streets of Hollywood pushing barely teenaged boys into his Audi S8. We'll be right back with Secretary of the Interior Procurable Beaver, the former Hollywood Madam, and her plan to create jobs. INI NEWS VIDEO END Stalwart, Lipsmacker, and the two Secret Service agents walked into the faded glory that was Stalwart's office "To answer your question, many people here are playing make-believe, though I would never admit that in public. It all started with the president's executive order granting Title VII affirmative action rights to LGBTQs. And then he ordered the State Department to eliminate all quotas on immigration for LGBTQs, people with HIV-AIDS, and Muslims, while diminishing quotas for people around the world who were oppressed by Islamists, especially Coptics, Assyrians, and Yazidis. Companies like this one started filling up with strangely dressed people to the exclusion of everyone else. Not all of those people you saw wearing costumes are LGBTQs, but it's a moot point," continued Stalwart. "But that just leveled the playing field. It just made everyone equal," asserted Lipsmacker. "You must not get out of the office very much. Every time we advertised for a job, someone wearing a costume would apply. If we did not hire him, he filed suit against us claiming discrimination. Because of the preference policies you established, we could only hire a member of a protected class and there was often a fight over which protected class was most important," explained Stalwart. "Here's a theoretical example. Tom, Dick, and Harry all apply for a job. Tom is a twenty-something heterosexual. Dick is a twenty-something homosexual. Harry is a thirty-something heterosexual. All are qualified. Tom is hired. Dick files suit, but Harry is unable to do so. Ergo, Dick has special rights." "A number of veterans who would have been great contributors were unable to be hired. Veterans and active duty military already have it tough because of the government's elimination of the commissary subsidy. Both Republicans and Democrats voted for that," added Stalwart. "And speaking of veterans, a male soldier who lost his legs and genitals because of an IED explosion is still a man, but a man dressed as a woman who has surgery to remove his genitals is a female, or so liberals assert." "Prohibition was the first time in this country that people started massively disobeying the law. Many people drank in violation of the law, which led to organized crime becoming a major problem. Respect for the law diminished as a result. In a similar manner, it wasn't that long ago that people trusted the news. Walter Cronkite was watched by millions of Americans. Today, however, the media often flat-out lies, which has led many people to search for their own truth. Many people believe all sorts of crazy things, but it's more the fault of the media than the average American," continued Stalwart. "I noticed you did not say anything to the woman in the burka. What's her story?" asked Lipsmacker. "She applied for work, but refused to answer or speak to men. We rejected her as a candidate as a result, but she filed suit, eventually reaching the Supreme Court. The gang of nine found in her favor and ordered us to employ her while respecting her religious beliefs. We tried to place her in groups with female managers, but she had problems dealing with Jews, Christians, and other non-Muslims. Eventually we just stopped giving her anything to do," replied Stalwart. "We have a few people like her here. Some days I swear the people are taller or shorter than they were before, but since we cannot force them to remove their sacks, we cannot verify that they are actually the person on the payroll." "What was in that long hallway we walked through? Does this factory really have that many lavatories?" asked Lipsmacker. "Yes, because we had our very own game of thrones. Those are indeed all lavatories, individual ones. There are two more hallways like that one. First we only had the usual, large ones for men and women. Then we added handicapped ones. When we first started hiring LGBTQs, we expected them to use the handicapped ones. After all, they would have privacy. But no, the men dressed as women demanded to use the lavatory designed for women. And then they peed standing up, often looking over into the next stall, annoying the hell out of the women sitting there. We almost had a riot the day a man dressed as a woman went in there when a Muslim woman was in there," answered Stalwart. "The term is 'transgender,' not 'man dressed as a woman,'" chided Lipsmacker. "They are neither male nor female," retorted Stalwart. "Then we created a lavatory for Muslim women. Someone came up with the idea that we could install electronic locks on the doors and assign key cards to prevent people from using the wrong lavatory, but then we realized that we would first have to have a doctor examine everyone to determine their sex. And what were we going to do with the people in Islamic sacks? We eventually just gave up and converted the rooms with many toilets to many individually locked rooms with one toilet and sink in each one. That cost money we could not spend on necessary things." "We thought about creating one large lavatory for everyone, with all of the stalls being of European design, in other words, with walls running from the ceiling to the floor. The sink and mirror area would have been a common zone. Men thought that was okay, but some women did not like the idea," continued Stalwart. "There is a currently pending lawsuit in the appellate court regarding whether our lavatory strategy is constitutional. Our so-called transgenders are demanding the right to use a lavatory filled with other women, but our genuine women are demanding the right to use a lavatory filled with only genuine women or use individual lavatories. The immovable object meets the irresistable force," added Stalwart. "But, all things considered, all of that is nothing compared to the OSHA lawsuit." "Couldn't you find another solution to the factory's problems? After this one is closed the U.S. will no longer be a manufacturing country," pleaded Lipsmacker. "Oh, please. Were you willfully blind as to the impact of the free trade treaties and the hundreds of thousands of foreigners brought into the country under H-1B visas and other visa fictions each year? H-1B visas only serve to replace American workers with cheaper foreigners. You people might as well have been cheerleading for the end of the American worker," retorted Stalwart. "Tangerine, the proud U.S. maker of smart phones, tablets and personal computers, does not have any problems doing it. They have lots of LGBTQ employees and even have a gay man as CEO," opined Lipsmacker. "You are confusing apples with oranges," answered Stalwart. "Tangerine takes good care of its U.S.-based employees, but that's only a small percentage of its total workforce. It has presided over the deaths of at least 18 workers in Asia. Some died in factory explosions, but the majority committed suicide by jumping from the roof of a supplier's factory. Conditions must be pretty bad to kill yourself over your job. Some people try to justify the company's actions, saying that it was an independent subcontractor that was responsible, but no other companies appear to be having this problem. Smells like plausible deniability to me. Not to mention that its biggest competitor, Samster, does not kill its employees even though it is a much larger company. Not having to worry about the safety of workers is a great competitive advantage." "And let's not forget that Tangerine is allowed to pay virtually no corporate income tax. That's another immense competitive advantage as well as a gift from the government," continued Stalwart. "Not to mention that the high-tech industry is the main user -- I should really say abuser -- of H-1B visas." "So today is the 60 day plant closure notice as required by law?" asked Lipsmacker. "Yes. Our hand was forced by the lawsuit decided earlier this week. You should remember that one, given how OSHA was ordered by you to relax its safety rules. A gay guy demanded the right to wear a wedding dress while using a piece of machinery which could easily catch loose garments. We flat-out refused and instructed him to wear jeans and a t-shirt like workers have done for decades. He sued and won. Okay, we thought we'd set it up so we'd stop the machine before anything bad happened, scaring the wits out of him, but nothing worse. I will never forget the day he came to work dressed in the fluffiest wedding dress I have personally ever seen, surrounded by many reporters and federal marshals enforcing the decision. We had not planned for that. We anticipated that his clothing would become trapped in the machinery, so we increased the size of the kill switch and had a manager standing by to activate it. But everything went contrary to our assumptions. His dress was caught in a way we had not anticipated and it happened much quicker than we thought possible. The manager slipped on the dress and fell on his face while trying to reach the kill switch. Before I could activate it, the worker's arms were ripped off. A second lawsuit was filed, this time for one billion dollars. We declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy -- that's liquidation -- this morning. Workers will be lucky to receive any severance at all, with their claims competing against all other creditors," concluded Stalwart. "Excuse me, I need to begin the formalities," said Stalwart as he turned away from Lipsmacker and toward the public address system microphone. "May I have your attention." Copyright 2020 Pete Prunskunas - All rights reserved.
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