"It's okay, Byezoolichka, it happens to all guys," purred Gimnastka Slutskaya.
"It's all because of Ukraine," offered Byez Rubashka. "I realize that being president of Russia is a big job, but you need to forget about it when you're away from it all," she continued. "Tonight I will set up my vault apparatus in the bedroom. That always puts you in a good mood." "Not tonight Gimi," he replied. "I have to visit Crimea." "Are those woman who protest by removing their shirts going to be there? You know, Boobs-R-Us?" she asked. "I wish they were. They always brightened my day. No, they disbanded after what happened to them in Iraq. They thought they would show Islamic State the usual routine -- take their shirts off and display their breasts with political slogans written on them -- but as soon as they did that, they were gang-raped by hundreds of Islamists. As far as I know, every one of them was raped to death," he explained. "Including the ringleader, the stripper who cut down wooden crosses with a chainsaw?" she inquired. "Yes, she was one of them," he answered. "This weekend, let's visit your $1.5 billion Black Sea palace. That place is really cool. It reminds me of the palaces of the former tzars," she cooed. "That's the point, my limber one," he concluded. * * * * * "I'll be there in five minutes. I just want to watch the headlines," said Ukrainian President Duzhe Horobri as he walked around his desk and pressed the power button on the television in his office. INI VIDEO START "This is INI Headlines with Veracious Tidings," announced the crisp, professional voice. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Good evening. We start with Ukraine. Let's go live to Hardy Chronicle in Mariupol. HARDY CHRONICLE: Hi, Vera. I've learned that the Donetsk region is now completely occupied by Ukrainian forces. You may remember that the fight for the airport was a tough one a few weeks ago. Horlivka and Shakhtarsk have also been retaken. Ukrainian forces are relentlessly pushing east to the border region. Separatists now only control the bulge defined by Luhansk on the north and the 90-degree turn at the border to the south. Professor Voland, the former separatist leader of the Donetsk region, was burned alive after Ukrainian forces caught him trying to escape dressed as an old woman. Novoazovsk will be a tough nut to crack because Rostov-on-Don, a major Russian city, lies directly to the east, not far at all. It appears to be a last stand, a separatist Alamo, if you will. Things have really changed since the invasion started one month ago. Mariupol was being bombed without mercy, with apartment buildings leveled by Russian missiles. Now, Ukrainian forces are searching for unexploded ordnance in the rubble, with Russian forces either having surrendered or retreated to eastern Ukraine. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Hardy, Russia has been directly supplying separatists with weapons by driving them across the border. Has the Ukrainian military been able to reduce that flow? HARDY CHRONICLE: Yes, Vera. Slowly the Ukrainian army was winning the fight, but as you said, the separatists were being resupplied. The organizations which deal in satellite imagery, such as Spot Image and Maxar, have been secretly supplying Kiev with almost continuous imagery for some time now. Kiev has been able to target most Russian convoys entering Ukraine, destroying them with artillery. rockets, and hand-held missiles, for example, Javelin. Novoazovsk, on the other hand, is being resupplied by both land and sea. And I sometimes see weapons which appear to be out of place for the Ukrainian military. Some countries are supplying arms on the sly. I've seen a few drones with attached missiles sporting Israeli markings. The destruction of Russian convoys has been absolutely ferocious, with the personnel of entire convoys being ground to dust. The war resembles the Winter War, which started when the Soviet Union invaded Finland in late 1939. Finland held its own, inflicting at least an order of magnitude greater casualties than it suffered, until springtime when the Soviets were able to drive tanks in large numbers into Finland. One big difference between that conflict and the one here is that Finland only had Molotov cocktails to destroy tanks, and nothing to fight Soviet aircraft, while Ukrainians have a number of different anti-tank and anti-aircraft weapons to destroy Russian hardware, which they are using to great effect. The Winter War ended with Finland surrendering around 10% of its territory, but Ukrainians are determined to not allow history to repeat. And continuing on the Winter War theme, a large number of Russian soldiers have frozen to death -- I mean, frozen solid -- because they were not given proper gear. I'm reminded of the grotesque photos of Soviet soldiers frozen in contorted positions. Oh, and on a slightly different subject, Russian President Byez Rubashka is traveling to Crimea today to give a speech. It's expected that some Crimeans will give him a rough reception, given that tourism, formally a major contributor to the economy, has fallen from the sky. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Thanks, Hardy. Now let's go to Doughty Communique in Kiev. DOUGHTY COMMUNIQUE: Hi, Vera. We finally know why that long column of Russian troops and equipment stopped short of Kiev. There are a number of factors. Russian troops are almost suicidal after learning that Russian President Byez Rubashka lied to them about Ukraine being a hive of Nazis, if you'll excuse the mixed metaphor. They have left their vehicles and spend their time drinking. Some of them have sabotaged vehicles and weapons. Many fuel tanks have been punctured, adding to the Russian army's extreme fuel shortages. It's amazing that Rubashka could not understand that many Russian families have inter-married with Ukrainians. Many Russian soldiers refuse to fire on Ukrainians, military or civilian, though sadly there are plenty of neo-Bolsheviks willing to murder for fun. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: You also have news regarding refugees, right? DOUGHTY COMMUNIQUE: As you know, more than a million people, many of them children, left the separatist enclaves in eastern Ukraine and traveled to cities in Russia: Tomsk, Ulyanovsk, Yakutsk, Magadan, and others. Their houses and/or cities were destroyed. Ukrainian President Duzhe Horobri announced today that these people will not be allowed back into Ukraine. He said it is obvious where the loyalties of these people lie. He expects their husbands and male family members to join them soon, after the two separatist redoubts are finally taken. He believe that these people would constitute a fifth column in Ukraine. When asked if his actions were the same as the movement of ethnic minorities that occurred after WWII, he replied: "Perhaps, but given that this war started with Russians in Ukraine attempting to slice a section off for themselves, I believe my decision is justified. We expect many more Russians to voluntarily move to Russia now that their Soviet dream has been crushed." But more refugees, true Ukrainians, almost ten million, have left Ukraine for Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, and Romania. Some even traveled to Moldova, but that is problematic because of the tiny slice of the USSR called Transnistria which sits on the border between Ukraine and Moldova. Residents of Transnistria are firm believers in Rubashka's propaganda. The after-effects will reverberate throughout Europe for many years. Back to you, Vera. VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Thanks, Doughty. Stay with INI for all the latest news. INI VIDEO END * * * * * "President Rubashka, while we are flying to Crimea, would you like to watch some television?" asked one of his personal servants. "Turn on Russian Reality. My favorite newsreader is about to start," replied Rubashka. "As you wish, my lord," the servant said, as he pressed the power button for the television situated about 1/2 meter from Rubashka. "And don't forget to wipe down the controls after you're finished. I don't want any of your cooties," demanded Rubashka. RUSSIAN REALITY TV START LABIA LIKOV: This is Russian Reality TV, with all the news you need to know. Labia Likov here. The situation is firming up nicely in Ukraine. The fascists who executed a coup d'etat are slowly losing their will to fight and the people are reclaiming their birthright. Even the people of Western Ukraine are beginning to realize that the current government is dangerous to their health. It's clear to everyone that having Cheka Strelnikov as the new president is the only solution. Fascism will never be accepted by the patriots in the east of the country. Theirs is the natural reaction of people who are defending their rights. We hope that common sense prevails before any more people are killed. There has been ugly innuendo regarding the bombing of apartment buildings, kindergartens, and other civilian properties. All of these have been the result of banderovsky elements punishing ordinary Ukrainians. Russians would never do such a thing. I also want to make it clear that there is no truth to the rumor that Russia had a prisoner swap with Ukraine. No Russian soldiers have been taken prisoner in Ukraine. Russia merely had pity on the families of Ukrainian soldiers captured in the fascists' war of aggression and decided to do the right thing, as we always do. Our glorious leader, President Byez Rubashka, is flying to Crimea today to accept the thanks of the people for rescuing them from the grip of the falangists. He will stay overnight and return to Moscow tomorrow. Onher Chappedbutt, deported from America in a group of ten alleged spies, has opened another branch of her brothel with a spy theme, The Russia House, this time in Crimea. To remind you of what she has to offer, we have a graphic showing the services offered with their associated code words. GRAPHIC BEGIN Undercover: sex in room with bed Shadow: sex up against wall in hall Sleeper Cell: one girl in room for all night Infiltration: vaginal intercourse Tail A Subject: anal intercourse Kim Philby: both vaginal and anal sex Debriefing: striptease Interrogation: oral sex MacGyver: using sex toys La Femme Nikita: lesbian encounter for female customer The Third Man: ménage à trois for female customers Surveillance: watch other people having sex Double Agent: sex with two girls Fifth Column: orgy Atomic Blonde: nude girl with florescent-painted parts in black-light room The Good Shepherd: sex with a sheep The Hunt For Red October: a scavenger hunt for sex toys GRAPHIC END Chappedbutt's harlots have created a few terms of their own for use in their work. We have a graphic showing these terms. GRAPHIC BEGIN Cone Of Silence: condom Dead Drop: customer who cannot achieve an erection Spy Hard: customer who took Viagra Microdot: customer with puny penis Agent Cody Banks: boy wanting to lose virginity The Man With The Golden Gun: customer who fell asleep in the sun while nude Danger Man: customer who wants sex without condom GRAPHIC END We wish her great success in her newest location. In other news, we have more details on the scandal involving Italian President Smegma Phallusconi. You'll remember that he was caught in flagrante delicto with a 16-year-old prostitute. We just learned that one of the people who burst in on Phallusconi was carrying a state-of-the-art digital camera. This person snapped a few high resolution photos of Phallusconi's private parts and posted them on his website. He announced that there is a section of Phallusconi's penis which contains an amazingly lifelike depiction of the Virgin Mary, but only when he has an erection, as the folds otherwise obscure the revelation. Tens of thousands of Italians have surrounded his house, beseeching him to give them the full Virgin Mary. We'll let you know what happens. Finally, in San Diego, California, a Muslim woman dressed in a blue burka was standing next to the main tank when one of the killer whales rose up and knocked her into the tank. The whales then tossed her into the air and batted her about until trainers could distract them. Police speculated that because the whales could not see that it was a human in the burka, they thought it was a large, blue, beach toy. The investigation continues. We'll be right back. RUSSIAN REALITY TV END * * * * * "Mr. President, the President of the European Council is on the phone," interrupted the Ukrainian president's assistant. "Alain, how are you? I'm flying to Warsaw to meet with the NATO ministers. I suspect they are not predisposed to Ukraine's entry because of the potential cost and risk. However, Ukraine's entry into the EU is paramount. We really need that to start the transition away from Russia's influence. I need to talk to you about ships bringing natural gas to ports in Mariupol and other cities. Sure, nuclear power might be a solution for the long-term, but I'm worried about the short-term, like the current winter," began Horobri. "Yes, I heard that Rubashka called for statehood for eastern Ukraine. That's a clear admission that his tactics have failed. He is grasping at straws now," added Horobri. "You know, sometimes I think of the children, parents, and teachers who were slaughtered in Beslan in 2004. The whole thing went tragically wrong because Rubashka and his cronies were grossly incompetent and corrupt. The Ingush and Chechen savages bribed their way through police checkpoints. Russian authorities never secured the area around School Number 1 to prevent the many amateurs from interfering. We'll never know who fired first, but if commandos had been the only troops present, they could have killed the savages much faster, reducing the death toll of innocents," opined Horobri. "Russia refused to allow Chechnya and the other Caucasian countries to become independent, yet it demands that Ukraine allow Russians in Eastern Ukraine to be set free. It's always about Russians, with Georgia and South Ossetia being a perfect example," interjected Horobri. "We are already opening new McDonald's restaurants in the cleared parts of the so-called Novorossiya. The cuisine is not my favorite, but Ukraine will allow consumers to choose which restaurants exist," finished Horobri. * * * * * "Ubistvo, remember what happened the last time you launched an SA-11 Buk missile? Women and children rained down from the sky. You killed people from all over the world, ones who had nothing to do with our fight for independence," cautioned Nescient Ovis. "We've been through this before. All of those people were already dead," claimed Ubistvo Lyubovnik. "It was a Western and fascist plot to implicate the motherland." "Ubistvo, you are the commander of separatist forces in Novoazovsk, but sometimes you remind me of the movie-hero Alexander Nevsky just after a double-dose of meth," answered Ovis. "That fascist Horobri is flying today from Kiev to Warsaw, which takes him over Southern Ukraine, right over our beloved Buk," asserted Lyubovnik. "Do you really think he would fly over our territory?" queried Ovis. "Not to mention that flying over eastern Ukraine is going out of the way." "He thinks he has already won. I will show him and his American puppet-masters how to play the game," declared Lyubovnik. "Okay, button 'A' to arm, button 'R' to release safeties, and button 'L' to launch. Buk means tree, but in this case, it is the tree of death. Buk, Buk, Buk, you're the source of all our luck!" "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when," sang Lyubovnik as he pressed buttons. The missile ignited and accelerated skyward. * * * * * "Absolutely, Onher. I have visited all of your other bordellos. I would not miss the opening of another one, if you catch my drift," assured Rubashka. "Legs, Onher; it was a joke. Did you build a presidential suite in Crimea? You know how I hate to mingle with ordinary people." "I hope you did not invite Teddy Sneg. He is insufferable, always taking himself so seriously. I have the impression he believes the world is going to crown him king of the truth-tellers or some other nonsense. When is he going to realize that we are simply using him to embarrass the US?" continued Rubashka. "Hold on for a second, okay?" "What's that down below us? Is that a contrail? What ..." © 2015-2022 Pete Prunskunas
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